First, be careful not to assume that you have to immediately make outer changes. Examine the truth that there’s really no prescribed or ‘best’ path to follow in life. You can determine to find your joy where you are now. Making any changes from this habit of mind helps you choose wisely.

The secret to personal success on all levels and the key to having it, right now, is first to find the unconditional regard within yourself that simply ‘likes’ who you are.  That is the core of your belief no matter what changes occur. When you’ve tapped this, you might also feel like you can overcome any blocks you may encounter to truly liking others–even those who are not so easy to like.

Sounds easy in theory. And you might ask, isn’t ‘unconditional regard’ just another way of saying ‘unconditional love’? It can be. Let’s dig a little deeper to mine a universal truth: at basic levels, almost everyone wants to be appreciated, and to share emotional meaning with someone else. Finding this within yourself makes it possible to create an environment that supports others to do so, and with no strings.

You don’t have to work in customer service to develop and use this type of people-skill. The basic concepts are similar: just as excellent customer service helps people feel good about the company they do business with, it also helps them feel good about themselves. Ideally, a customer service representative truly likes and wants to help people.

The company you represent can be your own or owned by someone else; or just substitute the word ‘company’ for ‘you’, the individual, and see how you are similarly responsible for how you choose to be in relationship with anyone. Treating others the way you want to be treated makes more sense. You feel better. It fosters good will. It makes makes room for spiritual growth, for opportunity and even enjoyment.

What if you don’t know someone well enough to know if you can like them? Even if you can produce evidence to  prove that someone is too difficult to like, or ‘undeserving’, it’s still in your best interest to develop the skill set that helps you look beyond appearances into the heart. Where ‘personality’ doesn’t exist.

Then, even if you make choices that no longer include doing business with someone who is just not worth the time and trouble, or to end unsafe or unhealthy relationships, you can do so with heart. And avoid falling into the trap of having to argue about it or even defend your decision–even to yourself, as I describe in my article on emotional poltergeists.

You may know people who naturally relate through the heart. What’s their secret? They like themselves. They may not be conscious of it, but they do like themselves. This makes it easier to find something to like about those around them, even the small things.

The good news is you can consciously create this habit. When you do, your life holds new meaning. Without this basic need to be liked, even – or especially – by yourself, where is the foundation for your true gifts, talents and skills? It can be undermined when your focus is on what’s not working, instead of on what is working or can be.

When you do focus on what you desire, you also find it’s easier to ‘allow’ others to enjoy their own specialness. Your gifts are enhanced because you are secure in them, and because you also feel good about the unique gifts of others. This is a subtle but powerful way to have more emotional meaning in life.

People are attracted to you when you allow them to be. But it’s more than just enlightened self-interest to appreciate your own individuality, your one-of-a-kind spark of light. Because your message truly is unique, and your idea of the kind of people you want to surround yourself with is magnetic and appealing to those very people.

To embrace the pure idea that your own happiness doesn’t rely on the outer appearances of others takes balance. Not only do you develop the ability to  find something to like, true empowerment comes when you do so without compromising who you are, or without caving in to unreasonable demands.

This is how you begin to create more emotional meaning for yourself. You also create an energy around yourself that supports others to feel good, if they choose to. Some won’t, and you can’t force them. Others may simply need your comfort, they may be going through something so difficult that all they want is your loving support.

You may not always wish or be able to remove yourself from the vicinity of truly difficult people. If so you can keep quietly and sincerely creating the energy of “like” and inviting others who want to be in this space of comfort with you. You might be surprised at how naturally things change for the better. Or at least how differently you feel about being in difficult circumstances or around difficult personalities. And how much your heart can open when true support is the appropriate response.

But what if you must spend hours a day in an environment that, no matter how you try to feel differently, feels like it’s sucking the life out of you? What if you are just not surrounded by people who are to your liking, but it makes no sense to leave them. They may be dependent on you for your support or you for theirs and this is part of the challenge of close relationship. What if you’re where you want to be, or with those you choose to be with, but you’re just feeling stuck on how to even know what your purpose for life is and how enjoy it?

Then you may need more support than this or any article can offer. And I want to emphasize that there are no ‘one-size-fits-all’ techniques. Because if your circumstances are deeply trying, when sad things really do just happen, such as dealing with grief and loss, it does absolutely no good to blame yourself for somehow not having the correct consciousness. That is not why they happen. You are never at fault, even in the less difficult circumstances.

Sometimes things happen no matter what your habitual state of mind–it’s part of the random events of life. You don’t create every circumstance. And you don’t want unrealistic or unkind platitudes. You don’t need inappropriate advice to ‘find the good’ in something that is simply too tragic and painful. When you all you really require is comfort and healing.

Whenever you would like my spiritual healing support in any matter, call me if you have my phone number or if not, click here to learn how to schedule a confidential telephone session with me. I would honor the opportunity to be of service to you in any way I can.

Reason for choosing appreciation

My reason for choosing appreciation is not simply one of semantics.

It has more to do with energy. There are subtle forces at play in any words we choose, as well as the emotion and feeling we associate with them.

Word-energy empowers you

Though gratitude itself is a virtue, there are times its use as a word can subtly imply that you’ve narrowly escaped something, usually negative in experience. Or that you’ve imagined something unpleasant and then changed your idea about it.

Either way, you may still have the energy of that false idea. Your body might at some level be holding an energy record of just the idea of avoiding something unpleasant.

To feel appreciation, on the other hand, means you are raising the value you hold for yourself, for others, or for anything. In its spiritual sense, appreciation signifies that you recognize life’s true worth.

If you have a  ‘Gratitude Journal’, consider renaming it your ‘Appreciation Journal’. In it you can explore the sweetness of the idea of appreciation for life. Write in your journal, or mentally note, how your embracing of the vibration of appreciation changes your energy.

Using appreciation in relationships

If you don’t keep a journal, begin simply by appreciating yourself as you are in the moment. Appreciate all others around you. Appreciate your life, its simple joys and the difficulties that test and refine you.

And really stretch yourself to find something to appreciate about in those who may seem difficult to appreciate.

I’d love hearing in the comments, below, about how you tune into the subtle changes that occur both within and without that you discover from beginning to practice appreciation as a habit. These can be obvious results, such as noticing how your relationships improve.

And, just as importantly, this practice can positively affect the most important relationship in your life: your own relationship with yourself.

Related articles:

• Appreciation is the key
• Breathing appreciation

Dissolve mediocrity. That’s the key to allowing relationships to guide your life in more meaningful ways.

For example, a stranger can come into your life with a roar. Do you weather the unwarranted, unexpected blast of anger without judgment? Or do you go into spiritual neurosis, wondering what karma or past action brought you face to face with this effect?

However you choose to deal with the anger of another can speak volumes about your consciousness. And whether or not you believe in past lives, cause and effect in this life is something you can actually observe and learn from.

Mahabharata as allegory

You can also learn from mythology. In my last article on relationship, I related how the Gita can teach about relationships. I like to think Krishna was talking not only about past life relationships, but energy records themselves.

Energy records live in the body. They can plaque you in the moment, whether they stem from past actions or are born of irrational fears about the future.

Krishna’s direct approach – to stand, face and conquer evil where it dwells within – may be a hard pill. Even if you see the Mahabharata as allegory, you may relate to Arjun’s sensitivity. You may also be startled to realize how unprepared you are to sacrifice your all, just to change things for the better.

So what do you do if you come to this spiritual crossroads feeling you can no longer stomach going merrily through life with your spiritual blinders on? Should you worry that life just might rip them off for you?

That’s where Krishna’s advice to Arjun may help. The answer lies in how you can develop a deeper inner awareness. Because the relationship of your thoughts to your interactions with others does form a large part of your life’s experience.

However deeply you choose probe the Gita, there is more to it than how to connect with devotion to your higher self or that of another. It doesn’t merely preach and leave you hanging; it shows you how to sincerely recognize your soul records and then how to transmute them. Like all mythology or spiritual teaching, it has the potential to heal you with its passionate allegory. It can help train your consciousness to view your old ‘stuff’ in a new way.

In the important opening of the Gita, Krishna prompts Arjun to observe how his relationships have effected both his subtle and obvious decisions and actions. His teaching provides powerful allegory on how and why your thinking and feeling really must be bridled. If you are not consciously aware, you may just allow these energy projections to unilaterally make decisions for you.

Spiritual Crossroads

Do you really have choice about how to live your life or about what comes to you? Or do you take a fundamentalist view of the Gita (or any philosophy), that life is all about fate, and nothing is in your hands? What is the truth?

Truth is private belief. And it can be found in either view, or both. If you reflect on this, your own life may be filled with examples of each.

This is why mythology is so powerful.

Your outer relationships reflect your inner drama. You are your own hero or heroine, creating your own story or following the world’s script for you.

You get to write, direct and act your favorite story, every moment of every day. Or you might decide to sit and watch, eating your bonbons. Just don’t get lost in the grip of your life’s serial…

Want a video series on Krishna’s life that includes the Mahabharata? Here is an oldie but goodie (my affiliate link).

“War – What is it good for? – Absolutely nothing!” ~ Edwin Starr

Who are the people around you? Who are your loved ones, your friends, your enemies? Why do they sometimes take on one role, and at other times the opposite? The fact is that the people in your life, including uninvited strangers, help you to take a glimpse into that Other Reality.

Mythology can help you examine the theme of mediocrity in life, or it can reveal life’s true meaning. It can also teach how you can allow relationships to either harm or heal you, or somethingmore.

Take The Mahabharata, for example. On the surface, it’s about a family whose local feuding has escalated into global war. When you first encounter this theme in any myth you might find yourself asking, what’s the point then, if it’s to end so badly? Read the paper, watch the news; it’s part mythology and part melodrama in the making. But it’s deadly real stuff, people are leaving the planet over what, escalated disagreements between leaders? Now, as then.

Guarding Our Thought-Feelings

Like most mythology, The Mahabharata provides a classic example of the melodramatics of relationships gone wrong. Filled with poignant reference to the pitfalls of keeping company with those whose ideals sharply oppose your own, it also shows how doing so can lead to even the destruction of the cherished world you built around your fondest dreams. To get the most from the story as metaphor, substitute the family members who suddenly become enemies in a war for out of control thoughts and feelings.

Whether you believe the story as historical fact, or find enlightenment in it and cherish it as a beautiful teaching, its unique philosophy contains the metaphysical remedy for the pain of being human. Though based on the Hindu belief in karma (past deeds and their consequences) and reincarnation (soul taking new bodies in succession), you can choose to see a past life as the ‘old you’ before enlightenment, the current life as ‘you now’, ever growing and evolving in the moment.

Mahabharata has themes revolving around the classic metaphor of the “warring of the members”. Like Revelation in the Christian New Testament, you can choose to see it as personal and planetary energy records of the past or prophesies for the future. Or you can see both Mahabharata and Revelation as philosophical reminders for guarding your thought-feeling energies. They also have much to offer as treatises on how to discern which of your human energy creations are friends, which your foes.

Life’s secrets unfold as the great archer, Arjun, has a mini-meltdown on the battlefield. He begins questioning the meaning of life at what appears to be the worst possible moment: just minutes before the battle is to begin. At this point, Krishna, who is Arjun’s charioteer, friend and guru, stops time long enough to discourse.

Healing Secrets of the Universe

In this discourse, called Bhagavad Gita, or Song of God, Krishna tells Arjun not only what’s what about mortal fear and doubt, but also reveals heady secrets of the Universe. Amid these mysteries are the Gita’s jewels on relationship. When you read it, look for its quantum secrets on healing by love and enlightenment.

And so Krishna begins by saying things to Arjun like (I’m paraphrasing loosely something that is beautifully translated elsewhere), “You don’t even remember your past lives or who these people were to you before, so why are you so concerned now that they will die at your hands? Will they remember you?”

He also shocked Arjun by speaking of certain facts of life that most don’t dwell on, such as how, after a sociably acceptable period of mourning, most people largely forget the dearly departed to move on with their own life. This is a natural unfoldment. But, when taken out of context or literally, this seems cruel. But this discourse is really about developing a higher consciousness that includes non-attachment.

You can look at Krishna’s message as the ultimate metaphor for your own consciousness and soul’s evolution. You may decide that former thoughts or ways of perceiving life no longer serve you or may be harmful. You find some are obstacles that you must also stand up to, face and remove. If not, you might invite the consequence of such perceptions that lead to spiritual ruin.

Hello sweet Donna!!

I felt compelled to e-mail you and thank you for my session Friday
afternoon…it was the most incredible feeling, in fact I didn’t and still
don’t even have the words to describe it.

Have others been speechless when you were finished?? I want to tell you
that I cried and cried, then stopped…then started again and yet again
 but they were such “cleansing tears”…it’s the only way I know how to
describe them! Then I was purged. Have you ever had anyone have that type
of reaction???

This morning in my prayers I was thanking God for all of my abundant
blessings I was able to tell Him that I had forgiven the other person for
any past transgressions and that I loved her and Donna… I meant it!! It
was the strangest thing and I sobbed uncontrollably but once again they
were tears of joy and it felt almost like redemption. I cannot tell you
the burden I feel has been lifted off of me!

My soul mate came by today and Donna he kept saying he had felt “funny”
all day. I told him that I was not surprised that he felt that way. I then
told him of my session with you and he listened so intently and once again
I cried as I was telling it. He is very staid and conservative and I was
not sure how he might react to that knowledge, but he was so receptive and
so loving while I recounted my experience that I think he was not
surprised.

I had to share all of this with you. It has been one of the most profound
experiences of my life and I cannot thank you enough for bringing me to
that place. I do believe that a large…huge…gigantic step was taken in
healing all 3 of us.

In closing I must let you know that I did tell him that I have forgiven
her, but that doesn’t mean I will allow her to take from me again…she
will have to find her happiness elsewhere! I told him that I wanted her to
be happy, which I think totally baffled him. My hope is that she wants
that happiness and will seek it. I have thanked God for helping her in
this endeavor!

Thank you my new found blessing,

J.S., California

_______

Chill out to the cleansing sounds of nature:

It’s from Ed’s book, Notes for the Heart. There’s a treasury of more essays by Ed from the moments of life. He reminds us of what is important to us. Though the title reads notes “for the heart” it is really from the heart of a magnanimous person.

You can transform your relationships when you transform your own consciousness about them. How can you do this? The surest way is by first falling in love with YOU.

Begin by catching yourself whenever you think negative thoughts about yourself. This may be difficult – but not impossible – even if it is a habit for you to think about yourself this way.

Falling in love with yourself can begin when you start to

1. accept that you have been simply acting from your programmed beliefs
2. resolve to take steps to change that programming
3. use these tips with others you feel may add to your deeper spiritual work

Deep self-healing involves meditating on the light or sun within. This is the most powerful way to connect with your true self. Your true being lives inside you at a higher state of awareness, unaffected by the noise or negative filters of the outer mind.  By reaching your inner self, you can witness how it dissolves outworn patterns for you. This dissolution of unwanted energy records can be incremental or sometimes you may experience a more dramatic confirmation.

Unseating Old Beliefs

But to unseat deeply held, limiting thoughts and beliefs you must also do practical mind power work in addition to your meditation practice. I recommend taking time daily to list positive things about yourself, then add to it daily. When you do this, you’re feeding your conscious (physical awareness), subconscious (emotional awareness), and unconscious (mental awareness) with the divine truth from your super-conscious (spiritual awareness).

The truth that you can convey from that highest realm to all levels of your awareness is that you are perfect in the sight of Creation. And when you write these positive things, you’re tapping into the high awareness of yourself as worthy and deserving of anything and everything you’re asking for.

One thing to do immediately when negative thoughts appear is focus on what is wonderful in yourself, and in others. Make the decision that for this hour, and hour by hour if need be, you will focus on the positive instead.

You can actually use the negative thought creatively and allow it to become a trigger. Say, “Aha, there you are Mr. (or Ms.) Negative. Well, I choose to think such and so, so thank you for your opinion but you can leave my thoughts now.”

If you find you are about to blame or criticize anyone, yourself, another, anything, stop. Say the same thing to the negative part of your thought, that you are not joining in on that criticism. It’s as important to do this in defense of yourself as you would refrain from criticizing another.

Making Your Own Happiness a Priority

A method for creating a habit of seeing the best in everything and everyone is to, again, begin writing positively about it in your “feel-good” journal. You’ll be surprised at how writing like this for even 5 minutes in the morning during your quiet time will help you to set this as an intention. But really make an effort to prioritize your own happiness first. Make it the number one part of your life.

Personal happiness an inside job, yet you can reinforce it on the outer in many ways including this writing method.

Many people have been taught early on that being concerned about yourself is wrong. It isn’t, it’s enlightened because you can then be there for people in more positive and effective ways. Doing this daily creates a momentum, it creates a foundation of inner strength built on caring for yourself in basic yet necessary ways.

This is also the way to become free from any self-imposed responsibility for trying to make others happy. You can’t. You can be an example, an inspiration, a support. But your best gift to others is to simply respect and love them unconditionally. That means you let go, and allow them to care for their own internal state of happiness.

What have you been placing your attention on? When something good happens for another, do you say you feel joy for them but then find yourself later using it as an excuse to indulge in a self-pity party?

Instead of wallowing in thoughts like, “Why don’t nice things happen for me?” use these moments to teach yourself to put your attention on the things that really make you feel good. Transfer memories of good times to your present time and use them bathe yourself in good positive thoughts feelings.

It takes discipline to do this, but if you use that 5 minutes of writing to also feel good about yourself, you are creating a new habit. And when you do this daily for 21 days, you have developed a positive habit of affirming your self worth, your feelings of deserving joy, your good feelings about yourself. When you feel good about yourself, you invite others to feel good about you.

Others who value themselves are drawn to you by more than your outer persona, so be careful if you find yourself feeling someone won’t like you “because”.

If you decide you really feel like doing something about your own self image, take a trip to the spa. A massage, manicure and pedicure, or even a complete hair and cosmetic makeover can do wonders to boost your self-esteem. But do this ONLY because you love and respect yourself completely. Do it only as part of your internal happiness makeover. It isn’t usually enough on its own yet the outer and inner transformational work can work together to support you as you rebuild your self-image.

Important Questions to Ask Yourself

Another way to invite positive relationships into your life is to look at your current ones. Ask yourself if you expect others–loved ones, friends, acquaintances, or anyone–to behave according to your ideas and beliefs. Do you have opinions about how they “should” express themselves? Do you hold them in or express them?

Even opinions kept to yourself are felt energetically. Others may at some level feel the need to protect themselves or in some way hold you at a distance. Or they may have become dependent on your direction of their lives, whether spoken aloud or not.

These are the kinds of energy contracts that can hold you back. Yet you can powerfully release yourself from any unhappiness that, whether you believe it or not, is directly tied to your expectations for others. You do this by just letting those limiting concepts go.

In this way you are cutting old ties, giving yourself a breath of fresh air energetically. It will translate into energy you need physically, mentally and emotionally.

The ticket to your freedom is when you realize that no matter what anyone else says or does, you and you alone are responsible for your happiness.

If others choose to change their behavior on their own, you can still support them and be happy for them. But realize that what they do does not make you happy. The way you choose to feel about anything does. Only you can make you happy.

So begin now by simply writing something in your relationship journal. When you write that Creation sees and knows you as already perfect now, just as you are, you are reinforcing the truth. You are loving and respecting yourself completely.

Even taking small steps like this can begin the process of cementing the relationship with yourself. You are telling yourself and the Universe that the relationship with yourself is the most important one.

When you do this, you’re connecting with your own soul. And when you are  connected with your soul you can more freely connect with the soul of another as well as with the Creator of All That Is.